I WON!!!!!!! FINAL EPISODE PRETTY WICKED

It was such an honor to be in the final three. We actually had the privilege of having brunch with the judges. It was so nice to have one on one time with them in a relaxed setting and not down at the panel. They really made all three of us feel like winners. We played a fun game with quotes from the girls in the loft. I realized that this was it. It was almost over. We were actually down to the very last step of our journey. It was brutal watching my casting tape. I was disgusted. I could not believe how bad I looked and I was actually proud of it. I felt like I did not even know that person anymore and I was ashamed to have known that person yet alone have been that person. I guess for the first time I actually saw how much I did change. -->

I was not happy at all when the judges had me confront my boyfriend. He was the last person on the face of the earth I wanted them to bring to the loft. I have to say looking back now it really doesn't seem that bad though. It was hard to tell him about the pills, but he understood and was very accepting. When I was announced the winner I had a million and one emotions and thoughts run through my head. I was kinda in a state of shock and at the same time so happy. I felt like for the first time I actually accomplished something that I did all by myself and for myself. I had the help of no one and it was one of the most challenging things I have ever even attempted. I felt complete self-satisfaction. The best part I think came after I was announced the winner. The judges surprised me by flying my mom out!!!!! I was not sure if I was happier to see her or if I was happier to win. I love my mom soooooo much. We are so close and I have never gone this long without seeing her and I was not even able to call her either. My true happiest moment in the entire loft is when the door opened and I ran to give my mom a hug. It was definitely the best hug I ever had in my life!

I learned a lot during my time in the loft. I learned a lot about life and to appreciate life. I learned that it is not just all about me. The actions I choose do impact everyone around me. I think the biggest lesson I learned was that I need to be true to myself and not care what others think. I have made a lot of inner improvements. I voice my thoughts and opinions a lot more now. I say how I feel and not what I know people want to hear. All of my relationships have improved drastically. I am a lot more open with friends and family now. It is great. Since I have been home things have been a lot better for me. I gained ten to twelve pounds and I got my healthy glow back. I am back in my acting classes and really trying to focus on my career. I have found a sense of inner peace that I did not have prior to entering the loft. I am overall a much happier person. My quality of life is just so much better and I feel like a much more "real" person. I am grateful for the experience that I had. I feel like if I could accomplish the challenge of winning "Pretty Wicked" I can accomplish anything.

I am old, I am fat, I am wrinly and ugly....but I still got it baby! Episode 7 Pretty Wicked

When I saw the older version of me at first I kinda freaked out. I sure did not vocalize it to the extent that some of the girls did, but inside I was not happy to see it. One of my biggest fears is aging. I have been using anti-wrinkle cream since I was in high school. I get spa treatments regularly to prevent aging. I thought for sure the Les Deux challenge going to be an interesting challenge. I did not even think I was going to get into the club, and I definitely didn't think I was actually going to get people to buy me drinks and give me their phone numbers. I looked horrible!!!! I had wrinkles all over, my skin was peeling off, I had brown marks all over my face, my hair was gray and ratted, I was fat, and my outfit was ridiculous. I had to wear an all black jumpsuit. I looked like a ghost buster gone bad! My strategy for winning the challenge was simple. I just decided I was going to act as if it was Halloween. I decided to play it up and have fun with it. I was over the top outgoing and had a blast. I was dancing and drinking and flirting. I found it easy to make fun of myself and laugh at myself with everyone I met. My motto for the night was "I am old, I am ugly and wrinkly, and I have junk in my trunk, but hey I still got it baby!!!" I just let loose and did not care what others thought. Apparently it worked. Everyone was awesome. They all seemed to treat me absolutely no different than any other night out. Well except for the door guy, he made us wait in line :(

Overall, the whole night was so much fun! I have been under so much stress and pressure in the loft. I am usually the fun, energetic life of the party type of girl. Even though I was made up to look nothing like myself, it was the most I felt like myself since I had been here. I am a huge goofball at heart and it was great to just be goofy, look horrible, have a great time and just not care. I really needed a fun night out like that, and to top it off I won a mani/pedi and massage for two. I was so thrilled!!!! I love spa treatments and I had not had access to any of that in like forever!!!! I chose Katie to accompany me because I thought she did the second best at the challenge and I wanted to show both Katie and the judges that I really was trying. When Ana flipped out I was shocked. I was not expecting that and I could not believe she did it. We were all so close to the end. I could not just understand why she would give up like that. It was obvious she deserved to go home. She almost begged for it by her actions.

I am here for me! I came alone....and I am leaving alone EPISODE 6 PRETTY WICKED

Amber tried to bond with me this week. She had a talk with me about my pills and even tried to help me throw them away. I was not really sure what her intent was on the whole thing. I was weary of trusting any of the girls in the loft at that point. I had always liked Amber but it was hard to tell if she was sincere. She was involved in the whole Sarah C. gossip, which seemed to have been the topic of the "red bed club" but then again now that the "red bed club" seemed to be disappearing perhaps her head was clearer by not being filled with hated thoughts about me. I could not really decipher her motives because after we had our bond session she appeared to use the information against me. I opened up to her about finances. I did this I guess to let her know I was a little more down to earth then I was perceived to be. I told her I was certainly not hurting and I had everything I wanted, but I was not a multi-millionaire and I did not have a huge stash in the bank. She then threw that back in my face -- of course only in front of the judges -- saying that I was complaining of money and I needed cash so I was only in it for the money. I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut once again! I really didn't trust anyone here!

Speaking of trusting the girls, wow I was shocked by Ana's lie detector test!!!!! She was my closest friend in the loft! We spent all of our time together and had shared a lot of stories. Both of us had opened up to each other and had looked out for each other. She was asked if she liked me and her reply was "no." This was honestly the single most surprising information I heard since I got here!!!! I thought for sure she was a "real" friend :( I actually trusted her. At this point I knew for sure I was only there for me and to change myself!!! I had completely stopped caring what the other girls were doing. CariDee gave us a fun little game to play with truths and lies. We were to make a statement and the other girls were to guess if it was true or false. The girl that fooled the most girls won. Naturally Katie won. Ha ha! Go figure! The first thing she wins is a test to see who can manipulate the best. How appropriate! She was very good at deceiving us. I was fooled by almost all of her answers.

For the lie detector test I was asked if money was more important than love. I answered yes. I answered that way because I was tripped up about the question and I did not want it to appear as a lie. I guess walking into the loft my definite answer would have been yes! At that point I was starting to reevaluate a whole lot about my life and I would have to say I do not feel the same as I did when walking into the loft. Love is a very hard thing to find, real love, that is. I realize that now. I have grown to learn that sometimes the best things in life are free. You cannot put a price on a true connection. So in a nutshell, I would have to say that I no longer agree with that statement. When Sarah R., Ana, and I went out it was more like punishment than privilege. I tried to make the most of it and have a good time but it was supper hard to do. There was so much tension in the loft and after just hearing that Ana did not really like me, I was just not in the party mode. I guess the whole night was just a little more disastrous then we planned for. However I did at least try to snap out of it by dancing and having a good time, but deep down it was not working :(

At elimination I was being questioned a whole lot and one of the questions that came to rise was that the lie detector test indicated that I had previously lied to the judges. I did!!!! The first words to them were a lie. They asked how old my boyfriend was and I found it to be irrelevant and an unfair question. People are so quick to judge and look at me in a negative light without knowing the whole story. I am kinda used to it and I did not want to go that route so I lied about his age. He is a bit older than 40. I decided to come clean with the information because I had changed a lot having lived in the loft for so long. I was learning a lot about myself and I was tired and stressed out from holding the burden of lies. I honestly was starting to not care what others thought and I was tired of misrepresenting myself. It was hard but revealing at the same time. I was in the bottom two this week!!!! It was a major wake up call to me!!!! I was certainly not ready to go home yet. I feel like I was just starting to learn so much about myself. I knew I had more room for growth and I wanted the judges to see that. Mia and Kyle stated that they felt like they did not know me that well. They said I opened up to Dr. Jenn more than them. I was not aware that I was doing so. It made me aware of how I was being perceived through other's eyes! After they said that I knew it was something I need to work on! I was just grateful they gave me another chance :)