Dr. Jen sat me down to have a one on one talk with me about -- surprise surprise -- my eating habits. Yea like I wasn't expecting that one!!!! My weight (and/or lack there of) seemed to be the topic of the loft. At first I was kinda irritated and sick and tired of hearing it. I mean seriously, come on guys, like I do not know I am thin!!!!! I did not need to hear it every five minutes and I certainly did not need to be the center of any more gossip in the loft. I already held the title for most talked about behind my back and I was certainly not trying to beat my own record. People are really mean to skinny girls. They are way more upfront and in your face as opposed to an overweight person. It is amazing how many people will just walk right up to you and say: "wow you are way too thin" or "you need to put on some weight" or "eeew, you are too skinny" or "damn girl, eat a cheeseburger or something". It is not too often that you see someone walk up to an overweight person and directly call them out on it and then follow up with a harsh insult, and if someone was to do that it would instantly be considered cruel and heartless. Well why is it okay to insult and mentally torment a person under weight? The whole thing irks me to no end. I could get insults left and right all day long and not one person would even consider it as a mean thing. Well hello!!!!! Skinny people are just as self-conscious about their weight as fat people!!! I was seriously just sick and tired of getting all the heat I was getting. -->
As Dr. Jenn and I talked a little longer and she kept pressing the issue, I finally opened up and told her that I take A LOT of pills. She was shocked! I take over the counter weight loss pills. I DO NOT take them to lose weight. I started taking them about 10yrs ago, initially I guess to stabilize my weight and I guess I just kinda got hooked. I told Dr. Jenn that I ran out of them while I was in the loft and I was getting a little stir crazy because they would not let me get more. I brought almost a two-month supply and I guess due to the stress in the loft I went through them in record time. Wow... For the very first time in my life I actually realized how dependent I was on them. I never once would consider it an eating disorder. I mean they were all natural and over the counter!!! As I reflected and became a little more "honest" with myself, I realized it might be a problem. I did not even understand my problem. I DO NOT think I am fat and I am NOT trying to lose weight. Actually I would be happier if I got back to my normal weight, which is about 10lbs heavier, but for some reason I still have this need to take the pills. This whole talk really confused me, mostly about myself. Was it possible that I had a problem? Perhaps I did? But I did not understand because I am certainly not unhappy about my body and I would not even mind gaining some weight. That was a very confusing state to be in. I am sure not many people in the world can even relate to that. Most girls that have eating disorders have distorted views of their bodies. I do not fit that category.
When Katie moved her bed back to our room I was angry. Katie certainly did not like both Ana and myself. That was so obvious and that was fine. You are not going to like every person you meet in life. I was just fine not liking Katie and Katie not liking me. There was no reason why we could not have just agreed to disagree about our views and personalities but yet still have been civil just to keep peace in the loft. I did not have to be Katie's friend. I was not going to go out of my way to hurt her or start drama, but I certainly did not have to be best buds with her. I felt like she only moved her bed as a fake desperate cry to the judges that she was trying to change because she was so close to going home a few times. I knew Katie did not want to be in our room, and actually I was happy with having such a big huge room to just Ana and myself. It allowed me much more personal space and I was able to have some quiet time much easier only having one girl in the room with me. I was not too happy about the toast she gave us at dinner either. I would like to believe Katie was sincere, but I do not think I really can.
I have no clue what Anna was trying to do when she told the judges I turned the water on in the bathroom because I was insecure about being mic-ed. I find it funny because I am sure any normal person would be insecure about that. Most of the girls just happened to forget about it after a day or two. I guess I never got over it. Here we go again! Back to my eating habits and weight issues. I swear the Sarah C. fascination just keeps going and going and going and going. I should be endorsed by Energizer batteries! Everyone is beyond obsessed with accusing me of stuff and I guess creating my own story for me. I just can't wait to see what happens next.
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