I WON!!!!!!! FINAL EPISODE PRETTY WICKED

It was such an honor to be in the final three. We actually had the privilege of having brunch with the judges. It was so nice to have one on one time with them in a relaxed setting and not down at the panel. They really made all three of us feel like winners. We played a fun game with quotes from the girls in the loft. I realized that this was it. It was almost over. We were actually down to the very last step of our journey. It was brutal watching my casting tape. I was disgusted. I could not believe how bad I looked and I was actually proud of it. I felt like I did not even know that person anymore and I was ashamed to have known that person yet alone have been that person. I guess for the first time I actually saw how much I did change. -->

I was not happy at all when the judges had me confront my boyfriend. He was the last person on the face of the earth I wanted them to bring to the loft. I have to say looking back now it really doesn't seem that bad though. It was hard to tell him about the pills, but he understood and was very accepting. When I was announced the winner I had a million and one emotions and thoughts run through my head. I was kinda in a state of shock and at the same time so happy. I felt like for the first time I actually accomplished something that I did all by myself and for myself. I had the help of no one and it was one of the most challenging things I have ever even attempted. I felt complete self-satisfaction. The best part I think came after I was announced the winner. The judges surprised me by flying my mom out!!!!! I was not sure if I was happier to see her or if I was happier to win. I love my mom soooooo much. We are so close and I have never gone this long without seeing her and I was not even able to call her either. My true happiest moment in the entire loft is when the door opened and I ran to give my mom a hug. It was definitely the best hug I ever had in my life!

I learned a lot during my time in the loft. I learned a lot about life and to appreciate life. I learned that it is not just all about me. The actions I choose do impact everyone around me. I think the biggest lesson I learned was that I need to be true to myself and not care what others think. I have made a lot of inner improvements. I voice my thoughts and opinions a lot more now. I say how I feel and not what I know people want to hear. All of my relationships have improved drastically. I am a lot more open with friends and family now. It is great. Since I have been home things have been a lot better for me. I gained ten to twelve pounds and I got my healthy glow back. I am back in my acting classes and really trying to focus on my career. I have found a sense of inner peace that I did not have prior to entering the loft. I am overall a much happier person. My quality of life is just so much better and I feel like a much more "real" person. I am grateful for the experience that I had. I feel like if I could accomplish the challenge of winning "Pretty Wicked" I can accomplish anything.

I am old, I am fat, I am wrinly and ugly....but I still got it baby! Episode 7 Pretty Wicked

When I saw the older version of me at first I kinda freaked out. I sure did not vocalize it to the extent that some of the girls did, but inside I was not happy to see it. One of my biggest fears is aging. I have been using anti-wrinkle cream since I was in high school. I get spa treatments regularly to prevent aging. I thought for sure the Les Deux challenge going to be an interesting challenge. I did not even think I was going to get into the club, and I definitely didn't think I was actually going to get people to buy me drinks and give me their phone numbers. I looked horrible!!!! I had wrinkles all over, my skin was peeling off, I had brown marks all over my face, my hair was gray and ratted, I was fat, and my outfit was ridiculous. I had to wear an all black jumpsuit. I looked like a ghost buster gone bad! My strategy for winning the challenge was simple. I just decided I was going to act as if it was Halloween. I decided to play it up and have fun with it. I was over the top outgoing and had a blast. I was dancing and drinking and flirting. I found it easy to make fun of myself and laugh at myself with everyone I met. My motto for the night was "I am old, I am ugly and wrinkly, and I have junk in my trunk, but hey I still got it baby!!!" I just let loose and did not care what others thought. Apparently it worked. Everyone was awesome. They all seemed to treat me absolutely no different than any other night out. Well except for the door guy, he made us wait in line :(

Overall, the whole night was so much fun! I have been under so much stress and pressure in the loft. I am usually the fun, energetic life of the party type of girl. Even though I was made up to look nothing like myself, it was the most I felt like myself since I had been here. I am a huge goofball at heart and it was great to just be goofy, look horrible, have a great time and just not care. I really needed a fun night out like that, and to top it off I won a mani/pedi and massage for two. I was so thrilled!!!! I love spa treatments and I had not had access to any of that in like forever!!!! I chose Katie to accompany me because I thought she did the second best at the challenge and I wanted to show both Katie and the judges that I really was trying. When Ana flipped out I was shocked. I was not expecting that and I could not believe she did it. We were all so close to the end. I could not just understand why she would give up like that. It was obvious she deserved to go home. She almost begged for it by her actions.

I am here for me! I came alone....and I am leaving alone EPISODE 6 PRETTY WICKED

Amber tried to bond with me this week. She had a talk with me about my pills and even tried to help me throw them away. I was not really sure what her intent was on the whole thing. I was weary of trusting any of the girls in the loft at that point. I had always liked Amber but it was hard to tell if she was sincere. She was involved in the whole Sarah C. gossip, which seemed to have been the topic of the "red bed club" but then again now that the "red bed club" seemed to be disappearing perhaps her head was clearer by not being filled with hated thoughts about me. I could not really decipher her motives because after we had our bond session she appeared to use the information against me. I opened up to her about finances. I did this I guess to let her know I was a little more down to earth then I was perceived to be. I told her I was certainly not hurting and I had everything I wanted, but I was not a multi-millionaire and I did not have a huge stash in the bank. She then threw that back in my face -- of course only in front of the judges -- saying that I was complaining of money and I needed cash so I was only in it for the money. I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut once again! I really didn't trust anyone here!

Speaking of trusting the girls, wow I was shocked by Ana's lie detector test!!!!! She was my closest friend in the loft! We spent all of our time together and had shared a lot of stories. Both of us had opened up to each other and had looked out for each other. She was asked if she liked me and her reply was "no." This was honestly the single most surprising information I heard since I got here!!!! I thought for sure she was a "real" friend :( I actually trusted her. At this point I knew for sure I was only there for me and to change myself!!! I had completely stopped caring what the other girls were doing. CariDee gave us a fun little game to play with truths and lies. We were to make a statement and the other girls were to guess if it was true or false. The girl that fooled the most girls won. Naturally Katie won. Ha ha! Go figure! The first thing she wins is a test to see who can manipulate the best. How appropriate! She was very good at deceiving us. I was fooled by almost all of her answers.

For the lie detector test I was asked if money was more important than love. I answered yes. I answered that way because I was tripped up about the question and I did not want it to appear as a lie. I guess walking into the loft my definite answer would have been yes! At that point I was starting to reevaluate a whole lot about my life and I would have to say I do not feel the same as I did when walking into the loft. Love is a very hard thing to find, real love, that is. I realize that now. I have grown to learn that sometimes the best things in life are free. You cannot put a price on a true connection. So in a nutshell, I would have to say that I no longer agree with that statement. When Sarah R., Ana, and I went out it was more like punishment than privilege. I tried to make the most of it and have a good time but it was supper hard to do. There was so much tension in the loft and after just hearing that Ana did not really like me, I was just not in the party mode. I guess the whole night was just a little more disastrous then we planned for. However I did at least try to snap out of it by dancing and having a good time, but deep down it was not working :(

At elimination I was being questioned a whole lot and one of the questions that came to rise was that the lie detector test indicated that I had previously lied to the judges. I did!!!! The first words to them were a lie. They asked how old my boyfriend was and I found it to be irrelevant and an unfair question. People are so quick to judge and look at me in a negative light without knowing the whole story. I am kinda used to it and I did not want to go that route so I lied about his age. He is a bit older than 40. I decided to come clean with the information because I had changed a lot having lived in the loft for so long. I was learning a lot about myself and I was tired and stressed out from holding the burden of lies. I honestly was starting to not care what others thought and I was tired of misrepresenting myself. It was hard but revealing at the same time. I was in the bottom two this week!!!! It was a major wake up call to me!!!! I was certainly not ready to go home yet. I feel like I was just starting to learn so much about myself. I knew I had more room for growth and I wanted the judges to see that. Mia and Kyle stated that they felt like they did not know me that well. They said I opened up to Dr. Jenn more than them. I was not aware that I was doing so. It made me aware of how I was being perceived through other's eyes! After they said that I knew it was something I need to work on! I was just grateful they gave me another chance :)

Catty Girls

Now that the show Pretty Wicked has aired and we are already past Episode 5, naturally, all of my friends and family have been watching every second of every Episode. I find that they only have one common question to ask me...... "How on Earth did I put up living with all of those Catty women for so long?"..... Now I do not believe they were all that bad at heart.....I hope.....I guess I just have to laugh about it and reply to them with a simple answer..... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"



I believe that there are a lot of ladies out there that unfortunately come across catty women all the time. I took it upon myself to do some web surfing and see what others had to say about "catty women" and how to deal with them. I found my search to be quite humorous and hopefully helpful to those of you who may have to deal with such women in your life. Part of me wishes I would have done this research before I left Chicago to stay in the loft :)



Classic Definitions

1. catty:
   Usually used to refer to those of the female gender, describing the typical "high-maintenance" girl. Synonym for (or may be used in conjunction with): petty, bitchy, conceited, malicious.
   
2. catty:
   describes females who feel threatened by another female's superior intellect or beauty, causing them to act mean and spiteful towards other women


3. catty:
   Generally females acting in a childish and somewhat aggressive matter; gossip whores;
   


4. catty bitches:
   females in high school who are overly concerned with their reputations often use gossip and rumours to feel superior over others when feeling intimidated or jealous of other females.


5. catty bitch:
   insecure woman who needs to slander because she is jealous

Solutions

Luckily there are actually some solutions out there. If you or anyone you know is suffering from being exposed to such creatures.......I found some links that might help



http://www.ehow.com/how_2245167_work-catty-gossiping-girls.html



http://www.ehow.com/how_2162379_cope-catty-coworkers.html



http://www.2ndfloor.org/?action=message_board&more=609093

And If all else fails, just ignore it and stay out of the drama. There is much to be said about rising above it and not letting it get to you.

The Pills, The Problems, The Phony Attempts to Make Amends....Episode 5

Dr. Jen sat me down to have a one on one talk with me about -- surprise surprise -- my eating habits. Yea like I wasn't expecting that one!!!! My weight (and/or lack there of) seemed to be the topic of the loft. At first I was kinda irritated and sick and tired of hearing it. I mean seriously, come on guys, like I do not know I am thin!!!!! I did not need to hear it every five minutes and I certainly did not need to be the center of any more gossip in the loft. I already held the title for most talked about behind my back and I was certainly not trying to beat my own record. People are really mean to skinny girls. They are way more upfront and in your face as opposed to an overweight person. It is amazing how many people will just walk right up to you and say: "wow you are way too thin" or "you need to put on some weight" or "eeew, you are too skinny" or "damn girl, eat a cheeseburger or something". It is not too often that you see someone walk up to an overweight person and directly call them out on it and then follow up with a harsh insult, and if someone was to do that it would instantly be considered cruel and heartless. Well why is it okay to insult and mentally torment a person under weight? The whole thing irks me to no end. I could get insults left and right all day long and not one person would even consider it as a mean thing. Well hello!!!!! Skinny people are just as self-conscious about their weight as fat people!!! I was seriously just sick and tired of getting all the heat I was getting. -->

As Dr. Jenn and I talked a little longer and she kept pressing the issue, I finally opened up and told her that I take A LOT of pills. She was shocked! I take over the counter weight loss pills. I DO NOT take them to lose weight. I started taking them about 10yrs ago, initially I guess to stabilize my weight and I guess I just kinda got hooked. I told Dr. Jenn that I ran out of them while I was in the loft and I was getting a little stir crazy because they would not let me get more. I brought almost a two-month supply and I guess due to the stress in the loft I went through them in record time. Wow... For the very first time in my life I actually realized how dependent I was on them. I never once would consider it an eating disorder. I mean they were all natural and over the counter!!! As I reflected and became a little more "honest" with myself, I realized it might be a problem. I did not even understand my problem. I DO NOT think I am fat and I am NOT trying to lose weight. Actually I would be happier if I got back to my normal weight, which is about 10lbs heavier, but for some reason I still have this need to take the pills. This whole talk really confused me, mostly about myself. Was it possible that I had a problem? Perhaps I did? But I did not understand because I am certainly not unhappy about my body and I would not even mind gaining some weight. That was a very confusing state to be in. I am sure not many people in the world can even relate to that. Most girls that have eating disorders have distorted views of their bodies. I do not fit that category.

When Katie moved her bed back to our room I was angry. Katie certainly did not like both Ana and myself. That was so obvious and that was fine. You are not going to like every person you meet in life. I was just fine not liking Katie and Katie not liking me. There was no reason why we could not have just agreed to disagree about our views and personalities but yet still have been civil just to keep peace in the loft. I did not have to be Katie's friend. I was not going to go out of my way to hurt her or start drama, but I certainly did not have to be best buds with her. I felt like she only moved her bed as a fake desperate cry to the judges that she was trying to change because she was so close to going home a few times. I knew Katie did not want to be in our room, and actually I was happy with having such a big huge room to just Ana and myself. It allowed me much more personal space and I was able to have some quiet time much easier only having one girl in the room with me. I was not too happy about the toast she gave us at dinner either. I would like to believe Katie was sincere, but I do not think I really can.

I have no clue what Anna was trying to do when she told the judges I turned the water on in the bathroom because I was insecure about being mic-ed. I find it funny because I am sure any normal person would be insecure about that. Most of the girls just happened to forget about it after a day or two. I guess I never got over it. Here we go again! Back to my eating habits and weight issues. I swear the Sarah C. fascination just keeps going and going and going and going. I should be endorsed by Energizer batteries! Everyone is beyond obsessed with accusing me of stuff and I guess creating my own story for me. I just can't wait to see what happens next.

Lies And Cries....Episode 4

When Mia stopped by the loft with the sash game my initial thought was, "Oh sh*t! This is not going to be good. Most of the girls here do not like me!" I was a bit nervous to see what I would get labeled with. Luckily Sarah R. had to label me and she was nice about it. I got to label Katie. It was hard to be nice because she was my least favorite girl at the time. I tried to be as nice as I could. I chose stylish because...well that is all I could really say nice about her. And I chose catty because...well that is obvious! When I walked into the loft I thought I was playing a different game so I lied about my age. I did not want the girls to think I had life experience as an advantage. Right from the beginning they were trying to figure out what I was lying about. I also had to watch a lot of my stories because most of them did not add up due to the extra years I was pretending I did not live. When I broke down about my age last week it made everything else appear as a lie too. My timeline was all out of whack and it made it look like I lied about a whole lot and most of the girls just jumped to a lot of conclusions as well. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU TELL ONE LIE, EXPECT TO TELL MANY LIES TO COVER THAT ONE LIE........AKA.....DO NOT LIE!!!! -->

I am not sure how honest the other girls were about their stories to Pat. I was emotionally choked up about my story and did not really pay attention to what everyone else said. The pressure of the other girls watching me kinda made me crack. I quickly left the room after my story and did not listen to the other stories. Actually it didn't matter. I was only there to change myself, not the other girls ;) At that time I was not sure who the least trustworthy girl was. I did not think I could really trust anyone. Sad to say, but everything I said was twisted and thrown back in my face. I can say, that out of all of the girls I could trust Ana and Sarah R. the most. They may not have gotten along, but both of them appeared to be the most genuine. I hoped I was right about that.

I had mixed feelings about Qui leaving. Naturally, as we all know, Qui was pretty nasty to me. She had it stuck in her head that I was lying about a whole lot. It all started with the Pat interviews. Qui accused me of lying about going to school and then it led to a bunch of other things such as I was not from Chicago and god knows what else. At first I was very confused. I had no clue where this was coming form. I had no clue why she would even care if I went to school, which I did (Moraine Valley Community College and then St. Xavier University as an English major). I tried to talk to her and even showed her my driver's license that had my address on it, but she would not take it as valid proof. When we got down to the judge panel for the first time I realized why she was so upset. She thought I stole her story and used it for Pat's interview. Wow! It kinda made sense now.

I remembered me and Qui sitting at the kitchen table and we had a heart to heart talk. She told me she was confused about life. She went to school and switched her major a bunch of times and studied various fields because she had no clue what she really wanted to do. I understood exactly where she was coming from because I too switched my major a whole lot. I wanted to be a cop, then I wanted to study psychology, then I got into health and fitness in hopes of being a personal trainer, then I wanted to study Kinesiology. I took event coordinating classes, travel agent classes, and business classes. I studied sociology, and then I ended up as an English major and dropped out of school three classes short of a bachelor's degree because I had a personal injury and my physical therapy interfered with my schedule. This was three years ago. I never went back because I realized my only true passion in life has always been acting. I took many classes growing up and was always in plays. I felt I was getting a little too old to just sit back anymore. I would hate to live life with regrets so I put all my efforts into pursuing my acting career. Well at the time when me and Qui had this conversation I was lying about my age and there is no way it would have made sense if I revealed all of that information to her. It is impossible for me to have done so much and dropped out three years ago only being 21years old. So I simply stated: "Yea I know exactly how you feel, I have no clue what I want to do either." -->

After I realized what had happened and why she was so mad, I felt really bad. I almost feel like the reason why she left was because of me. True she was too stubborn to let it go, but she had that impression because I held back so much information. I was a bit disappointed at the whole situation because I really liked Qui. Prior to the whole Pat interview thing we really got along. For the first time I actually saw how a stupid little lie, such as an age, had such a huge impact. It really made me think about a whole lot. And unfortunately I never got to tell Qui my side of the story. She had to leave the loft immediately after elimination. Whether or not she would have even listened to it and/or believed it, I would still like to apologize to her for making her believe that I stole her story and tell her that I should have been more upfront when we had that conversation and that I knew where she was coming from because I did the exact same thing. So if you are reading this Qui, I am sorry. I know where you are coming from girl because I did the same thing. I switched my major a ton of times and aside from acting I still have no clue what I want to do with my life.

Confessions, Comedy, Crazy Drama... Pretty Wicked Episode 3

As I open up more this week, I find my world in the loft becomes a whole lot more complicated. The girls all seem to be incredibly mean and judgmental. I was under the impression that this is about self-improvement and I find that everything and anything I say can and will be used against me. I opened up about my father and instantly everyone equated that to my standard for dating older men. I stated that growing up, I was jealous of my brother and I wanted to be an only child so bad that I wished him dead. The girls of course blew that way out of proportion. They all twisted everything to make it look like I was a psychotic crazy bitch. I certainly was not happy about this. I confided in them that I felt so bad to this day about how bad I treated my brother and it was thrown back in my face to make me look worse. I am really starting to hate being here. At this point I just want to go home. I feel like I am living with a pack of wolves. These girls are ruthless.

Another issue that rises is the thought of me having an eating disorder. It appeared to be the topic of the week. There was lots of gossip and to be honest I was pissed. First of all, even if I was on the verge of dying from starvation, the girls certainly would not care. They would just look at it like one less girl in the house and one girl closer to winning. I found that the gossip was more just for the sake of gossip. Something to talk about, something to put focus on so that certain people can slip under the radar of conniving, intent to bring everyone else down. I find it to be pretty harsh to accuse someone of something and have no information to back it up. -->

At first when we found out that the challenge was a comedic roast I was so happy. I thought I would master it due to my acting and improv classes.... Acting is my true passion!!!! Growing up I took numerous classes and performed in numerous plays. I thought my background with acting and my recent studies of improv would help me win the challenge for sure......lol....I guess I was wrong. I wanted to do impressions of the girls and I thought it would be the funniest way to make fun of them because I would do nothing but portray how they are....even use their own words. Apparently it did not work because nobody in the audience understood it. Perhaps I should stick to acting and ease off the comedy for a while... LOL

At this point, Katie was definitely my least favorite person in the house. There is just something about her, I cannot even explain it. She is sneaky and I know she gossips a whole lot about me. I do not really like girls who gossip...I have no tolerance for petty catfights, which is her specialty. I was probably looking forward to roast her the most. Ana is probably my closest friend in the house at this point. She is the one who connects with me the most. Everyone seems to hate both of us -- we have our own bedroom, we both smoke, and we kinda look out for each other. She is definitely the only girl in the house I am actually glad is still there.