Amber tried to bond with me this week. She had a talk with me about my pills and even tried to help me throw them away. I was not really sure what her intent was on the whole thing. I was weary of trusting any of the girls in the loft at that point. I had always liked Amber but it was hard to tell if she was sincere. She was involved in the whole Sarah C. gossip, which seemed to have been the topic of the "red bed club" but then again now that the "red bed club" seemed to be disappearing perhaps her head was clearer by not being filled with hated thoughts about me. I could not really decipher her motives because after we had our bond session she appeared to use the information against me. I opened up to her about finances. I did this I guess to let her know I was a little more down to earth then I was perceived to be. I told her I was certainly not hurting and I had everything I wanted, but I was not a multi-millionaire and I did not have a huge stash in the bank. She then threw that back in my face -- of course only in front of the judges -- saying that I was complaining of money and I needed cash so I was only in it for the money. I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut once again! I really didn't trust anyone here!
Speaking of trusting the girls, wow I was shocked by Ana's lie detector test!!!!! She was my closest friend in the loft! We spent all of our time together and had shared a lot of stories. Both of us had opened up to each other and had looked out for each other. She was asked if she liked me and her reply was "no." This was honestly the single most surprising information I heard since I got here!!!! I thought for sure she was a "real" friend :( I actually trusted her. At this point I knew for sure I was only there for me and to change myself!!! I had completely stopped caring what the other girls were doing. CariDee gave us a fun little game to play with truths and lies. We were to make a statement and the other girls were to guess if it was true or false. The girl that fooled the most girls won. Naturally Katie won. Ha ha! Go figure! The first thing she wins is a test to see who can manipulate the best. How appropriate! She was very good at deceiving us. I was fooled by almost all of her answers.
For the lie detector test I was asked if money was more important than love. I answered yes. I answered that way because I was tripped up about the question and I did not want it to appear as a lie. I guess walking into the loft my definite answer would have been yes! At that point I was starting to reevaluate a whole lot about my life and I would have to say I do not feel the same as I did when walking into the loft. Love is a very hard thing to find, real love, that is. I realize that now. I have grown to learn that sometimes the best things in life are free. You cannot put a price on a true connection. So in a nutshell, I would have to say that I no longer agree with that statement. When Sarah R., Ana, and I went out it was more like punishment than privilege. I tried to make the most of it and have a good time but it was supper hard to do. There was so much tension in the loft and after just hearing that Ana did not really like me, I was just not in the party mode. I guess the whole night was just a little more disastrous then we planned for. However I did at least try to snap out of it by dancing and having a good time, but deep down it was not working :(
At elimination I was being questioned a whole lot and one of the questions that came to rise was that the lie detector test indicated that I had previously lied to the judges. I did!!!! The first words to them were a lie. They asked how old my boyfriend was and I found it to be irrelevant and an unfair question. People are so quick to judge and look at me in a negative light without knowing the whole story. I am kinda used to it and I did not want to go that route so I lied about his age. He is a bit older than 40. I decided to come clean with the information because I had changed a lot having lived in the loft for so long. I was learning a lot about myself and I was tired and stressed out from holding the burden of lies. I honestly was starting to not care what others thought and I was tired of misrepresenting myself. It was hard but revealing at the same time. I was in the bottom two this week!!!! It was a major wake up call to me!!!! I was certainly not ready to go home yet. I feel like I was just starting to learn so much about myself. I knew I had more room for growth and I wanted the judges to see that. Mia and Kyle stated that they felt like they did not know me that well. They said I opened up to Dr. Jenn more than them. I was not aware that I was doing so. It made me aware of how I was being perceived through other's eyes! After they said that I knew it was something I need to work on! I was just grateful they gave me another chance :)
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